Rise
by EvilRegalOncer
Summary: After the events of "Fallen", Kara decides the world is better off without her. She heads to Alex's apartment to say goodbye only to find the one person who just might be able to save her. WARNING: Contains suicidal thoughts
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Not mine.**

 **This latest episode killed me.**

* * *

I can't sleep. That's not new, but it's the first time I haven't been able to call Alex and have her reassure me. I mean, I could, but…..I think I broke us. Whatever we had between us. Everything I said to her was true, on some level, and that's what hurts the most. She said so herself. And now Hank is exposed and James is gone and I've lost my sister and Aunt Astra and I've never felt so alone. I think Winn might be the one person in my life right now who doesn't hate or fear me, but I can't even face him after what I did to Siobhan. I could barely face Cat tonight; whatever she said, I don't think she's fully forgiven me yet. I know I never will.

God, I wish I could get drunk.

I've known for a while that something was going to give, that the ugly….thing…within me was going to rear its head. I just never dreamed anything like this could ever happen. I've been angry ever since Krypton died, since I had to keep my head down and hide who and what I am on a planet where I don't belong. That on its own, I could handle, but then came the Mercy and the way Alex ripped it all away from me not even an hour before killing my last blood kin. I lost my planet and my family all over again at the hands of my own sister. I can't blame Alex—but I do, don't I? Because if I didn't, I never would have said those horrible things to her. I think that's the worst part. I understand why she did it; how could I not, when I would gladly give up my life for her? She told me she couldn't lose me. But in the end, she did. I was lost to the red kryptonite, and in its grip, every grudge I'd ever held against her came out in the worst way possible. And it's not like I knew I what would happen or there was any way I could have stopped it, but knowing that I really was responsible in the end, that everything I did was born out of my own thoughts and feelings…

The DEO has kryptonite weaponry. Maybe I should use it to make sure I can't hurt anyone ever again. Because the next time I go rogue, they might not be able to stop me.

A strange sense of calm comes over me, and I get out of bed, reaching for my Supergirl uniform. I know what I have to do, but before I can do it, I have to apologize to Alex one more time. She needs to know how much I love her and that what I'm doing, I'm doing for her even more than the rest of National City…than the world. Everything I do, I do for her. I want her to know that before I join Krypton.

It doesn't take long to write her a letter with my superspeed, the words pouring out of me like water from a fountain. Once I'm finished, I tuck the letter safely into my boot and open my window. I take a moment to gaze out at the city—not my city, anymore—before bending my knees and leaping into the skies. The lights below me used to make me feel happy, proud, when I knew they belonged to people who trusted and looked up to me. Now….now they just make me feel sick. They remind me how I utterly betrayed this place I once called home. I just hope that they'll be safe.

It doesn't take long to fly to Alex's apartment. Normally I would just slip the letter beneath her door, but I can't exactly walk in there in this outfit. Just the idea of landing on the street sends a cold chill down my spine, and I can't help wondering how people would look at me. It's not something I need answered. So instead I land on the fire escape outside and duck in through her window. Ever since we were kids, Alex has always slept with the window open. She said the breeze helped her sleep. Now I'm just thankful that I don't need to break it.

Alex isn't here, but I didn't expect her to be. She's probably still at the DEO watching over Hank and making sure General Lane or someone else doesn't hurt him. The apartment smells like her, though, and my eyes burn at the scent. Once upon a time, that smell used to mean safety for me; meant comfort and warmth and love. Now….now it's just the smell of betrayal. Hers and mine. I can't bear to look at the photos of us on her wall, photos where her arms are around my neck and my cheek is mashed against hers and we're grinning at the camera. They seem to mock me as my own words echo through my head. _"And you know what the sad truth is? Without me….you have no life. And that_ kills _you."_ Just the memory of Alex's face in that moment—shattered, hurting, afraid—almost makes my knees give out beneath me. How could I have hurt her so badly? How could I have said those things to my own sister?

My resolve strengthens. This is what's best, for me and for her. I gather myself and walk into her kitchen, putting the letter on her table. She'll see it whenever she next eats breakfast here, which knowing her might be a few days, but she'll come home. Alex always does. But I won't anymore. I close my eyes, letting a few tears fall. "I'm so sorry, Alex," I whisper to the silence. "I love you so much…."

"Kara."

The voice makes me freeze. I hadn't been using my super-senses because I didn't expect anyone to be here, but I don't need them now to know who it is. I know that voice; I'd heard it nearly every day until about a year before Krypton exploded. I never expected to again. Barely daring to breathe, I turn around, my heart in my throat. "Aunt Astra?" I whisper.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Not mine.**

 **This latest episode killed me.**

* * *

It can't be, she died, Alex killed her—

The shadows are deep and dark, but I can see perfectly, and what I see sends me to my knees. Aunt Astra is standing in front of me, alive and whole, sorrow shining in her eyes. "Oh, my precious Kara," she says softly, crossing the distance between us and kneeling to pull me into her arms. I cling to her, utterly bewildered, but questions will have to wait. Right now, all I can do is cry, hugging her with all my strength. I haven't been able to use my strength without worry since I got to Earth, and it feels so, so good just to hold on as tightly as I can. Aunt Astra rocks me like I'm a child again, cradling the back of my head like she used to whenever I was afraid or upset. "I know, little one, I know. Alexandra told me what happened. But it wasn't your fault." She pulls back, cradling my face in her hands as her thumbs smooth over my cheeks and her eyes find mine. "Do you hear me, Kara?"

"I hurt her—I hurt everyone I care about! The kryptonite, it—it made me the worst version of myself, but I was still me! I did all of that, it wasn't anyone's fault but mine! Every horrible thing I've ever thought….it just came out." I'm sobbing so hard I can barely speak. "And now I can't f-f-fix it….J'onn blew his cover and it's all my fault…"

"Kara, listen to me." Aunt Astra gently tilts my chin up. "I know what it is to regret your past decisions, to wish to change them so badly it aches." The pain in her eyes mirrors, magnifies my own. "But such things will never come to pass. All you can do is move on and try to atone. It won't be easy, but you must try."

"How are you here? I saw you die—Alex told me the truth, that she—" My voice breaks. Aunt Astra gently wipes away my tears, her eyes falling from mine.

"I decided…I could no longer devote myself to my cause. Non accused me of losing heart when I discovered you were still alive, and he was right. Once I found you…" She looks up at me, offering me a tremulous smile. "Nothing else mattered anymore. I still want to save this planet, but I believe diplomacy would be the best way, not violence. But the army is hungry for blood; they will not listen to my plan. I was in danger of losing command, of being usurped. In my desperation, I reached out to Alexandra, although I had no idea she was your sister until later. We hatched a plan…she gave me the idea to line my suit with lead, which soaked up most of the kryptonite radiation, but enough of it stayed that I was severely weakened." Regret crosses her face. "That's why I couldn't stop you from rampaging; I haven't healed fully and I dared not risk revealing myself too soon."

"But the funeral—"

"I fell into a deep sleep as my body tried to heal itself. Once I was sent off in the pod, Alexandra intercepted me and brought me back here. We were going to tell you when the time was right, but I saw you come in and put the letter on the table, and…." She trails off, searching my eyes. "You weren't planning on coming back."

I drop my gaze, shaking my head. "It's better for everyone. I'm too dangerous, Aunt Astra. I let them down, I hurt so many…."

"You listen to me, Kara Zor-El." Aunt Astra's voice is low and fierce. "I know that you are the bravest, most noble woman I have ever met, and that nobody could love this planet or this city more than you. I also know that you aren't a coward who runs and hides when the tide of battle turns against her. This city needs you to protect it from my husband and his army, and your family needs you to keep them safe." She cups my cheek, forcing me to look into her eyes, and with a pang, I see that hers are wet. " _I_ need you, Kara. When I presented myself before Alexandra, I did so with—with the hope of redeeming myself in your eyes. I wish to make things right with you, and…I only pray it is not too late." She takes in a shaky breath. "I know I have no right to say this after everything I've done, but…stay with me. Please, little one."

I'm reeling. After everything that's happened today, this is almost too much to bear. On the other hand, I'm not sure anything or anyone else could have saved me. I guess I should be mad that she's cheating and using the whole "family" thing, but I'm just so happy she's alive that I don't even care. "I can't lose Alex," I whisper, swiping at the fresh tears that are falling. "I don't know how to fix what I've broken. Cat…she says I can get the city to trust me again, but…" I shake my head.

"We will find a way. Together. You are all I have left, and I swear I won't ever leave your side again. I couldn't save Krypton, and it's only by the blessing of Rao that you survived." Aunt Astra's thumb tenderly strokes my cheek. "Let me help you as I could not then. Let me be here for you the way I should have been. I love you so much, little one…"

"I love you too," I whimper as I launch myself into her arms again. She catches me and holds me close, and I bury my face in her shoulder, pretending for just a moment that I'm a little girl again and that nothing can hurt me in the shelter of her arms. I wish it were really true. "Aunt Astra, I'm so scared. What if it happens again? What if I go rogue—what if next time, I do something I can't fix? That I—?" Just the thought of taking someone else's life makes my stomach turn. "I came so close to killing Alex…"

"I cannot guarantee what will happen, Kara, but I have faith in you. I know we have a massive advantage against humans, but they're not so defenseless as I once believed." Her lips press tenderly against my hair. "And now that I have you back, nothing, in this world or any other, could make me let you go again."

"I don't want me and Alex to be like you and Mom. I don't want to lose her."

"She loves you. More than I think you know. The wounds you have caused will not heal easily, but they _will_ heal. I promise." Aunt Astra pulls back to look me in the eye. "Of course, that depends on if you are around to speak with her."

"I didn't tell her what I was planning in the letter," I mumble. It's suddenly occurring to me just how drained I am after the last couple of days, and my eyelids feel heavier than any steel beam I've ever lifted. "Jus' that I love her…"

"You're staying with me tonight." I'm in no position to argue, but I don't really think she was asking anyways. Aunt Astra scoops me up, and I curl against her, letting her warmth comfort me. All of this will still be there in the morning, but just knowing that I'm not alone anymore makes it seem not quite so bad. Sleep lays its soothing fingers on me, and the last thing I hear before slipping beneath the surface is my aunt's voice:

"Good night, my precious little one. I will be here when you wake."

I almost smile.


End file.
